on wednesday i had a strange experience.
we were both lying on the hospital bed
and i was looking at my son.
his eyes were closed
trying to get some rest after a bumpy ride to earth.
i suddenly felt this odd sensation
like something profound was happening to me.
and being the inquisitive father that i am,
i did that rare action of getting outside of myself
to try and peer into the situation from another angle
in order to get some insight into the weirdness.
this is what i saw.
i saw myself experiencing a paradox.
it was a paradox of knowing and not knowing.
of familiar and unfamiliar.
of reunion and first introductions.
of "how are you?" and "who are you?"
it was weird.
i was looking at another person
looking at my son
my very own flesh and blood
a human being i had created
a little boy that i had prayed for over 9 months
a real live person whom i felt i knew intimately.
and yet,
for all that,
he looked strange.
this human being looked unlike all other people i had ever met in my life (and i've met a few).
he looked different.
but it wasn't the "different" that threw me.
it was the "new" that really got me.
"i don't know you", i thought.
"i know you," i thought.
during the 21 hour labour
his little life had been in danger
over and over and over again.
i had experienced emotional exhaustion
because of the seemingly endless string of decisions
i had to make.
i, his father.
but i was making decisions for someone i'd never met!
this little tiny baby,
now less than 1 day old,
helpless and harmless
and totally dependent on us.
why should i have such responsibility
for a human i've never met,
never spoken to?
never even been friends with on facebook?
answer: because he's my son.
i came back from my "out of body" analysis.
i came back to me and him
lying there on the bed
both of our heads on the side.
now i understand
why the mixture of familiar and unfamiliar
is part of my own adjustment.
