Contemplating Confession

I was really thankful to think about the freedom of confession this week at the peacewise training.

Confess - meaning to say the same as.

Confession is not dredging up issues that God doesn't know about. It's to agree with God about how I have failed - failed to think or speak of him as is right about him, failed to love others as he desires... It's to agree with the one who made me and knows me and LOVES me already. Knows what I have done, what I will do... knows all the things that make my sin struggles hard, but also knows exactly, with penetrating pin point accuracy, what those sins are. And still loves me.

I think in christian life I can practically live as though confession is to say things that God doesn't already know... or that others don't know, or that others do know but don't understand or have the full picture and so this is scary. Or that somehow God is not really big enough to love me as the more I grasp my sin, the more I am repulsed by it, and therefore I gather more how much God must be repulsed also... but he is more so. And yet, at the same time, he knows it more deeply than I can see, and is disgusted more than I can know, yet loves me.

And forgives.

What a glorious gift he has given us in confession. To be freed from the need to pretend, hold onto reputation, as if pretending and clinging would make it less true. Like a child who hides behind his hands in hide and seek. Yet the child who says he doesn't know how to hide and needs help from parent would of course receive it.

I'm sure in the next year... and probably even in the next day or week, I will struggle again with confession - resist it's liberating invitation - redefine it as a means to condemn myself... because I will again forget that there is no condemnation for those in Christ... and will live again as though I am not in Christ, and wallow in fear of condemnation.

But God does not offer me this option as his child. Of this resistance to his gift of confession I hope he will also convict me, again and again, and free me again  from this voice of condemnation that I play on repeat.

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May I be a parent who breathes this grace into the lives of my children - so they may not, so far as it depends on me - fear the condemnation that comes with Christ-forgetting repentance.

Preparing to move

For 21 months we have lived in a 2 bedroom unit with an expanding family and more building issues than we planned on.

Looking at moving in 2 sleeps I am thankful. 

for a space...

of safety

comfort

hospitality

labouring

birth

rearranging

growing

changing

resting

stretching

discipline of organising

of learning about mould and how to avoid it

naturally insulated

meeting neighbours

learning about VCAT

sharing

nesting

It is sad to move, despite the challenges I have faced here. And they have been varied. I think that indicates what a privilege it has been to live in this space. I am thankful that the sad shows the thankful.

Thank-you, provider, sustainer, my creator God. Thank-you that you knew before I did what I would learn here, and you knew how long we would be here. Thank-you that you go before us to our new place.

We are moving in with another family with 2 little children. Our new house comes with a yard! And natural light. Lots and lots of it. And 6 bedrooms. And living spaces to accomodate private spaces for more hospitality that we could ever do.

I am looking forward to...

sharing spaces

deepening relationships

knowing Jesus more through seeing Him work in us

not needing a light switch

fig trees

olive trees

filling our guest room with guests

craft in a room with a door

toddler running up and down the hall

growing 

praying together

kids playing together

the challenge of more kids not playing together

water play in the yard

This is a special season of community life. I'm excited.

love it. laughed so hard I cried.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

One of those days

Today was one of those days.

The kind where getting out the door became an ever receding hurdle to jump.

The kind where I got milk sick between my toes, down my pants, and pooled on the floor.

The kind where my toddler squeezed his pureed snack pouch all over himself when I was paying attention to feeding my baby for the critical moment.

The kind where I decided I was superhuman and could mind my feisty toddler niece whilst looking after my own two bundles of joy, but the toddler-friendly enclosed easy to manage it all play centre was closed, and the subsitute park was overfull with primary school children (read here: niece wants to go on roundabout with the older children, niece wants to push roundabout like the older children, niece wants to walk on and off roundabout like the older children, all whilst it is moving faster than she is able and all during the time I am attempting to breastfeed my baby and my toddler is covering himself with savoury puree).

The kind where getting 3 nappies changed seems to take a ridiculous amount of time, and once all is done I realise showing the toddlers where the little stream is in the park was not best done right before said changes.

The kind where one kid cries and sets the other two off.

The kind where one kid goes to sleep and is abruptly woken by screaming.

The kind where it's hard to know which parenting tool to use to deal with the 35th growl/scream/hit/bite/grab.

The kind where getting to the end of the day is bliss. To sit on the couch, uninterrupted, dishwasher whirring... bliss.

I have incredible respect for my mother, and all the mothers I know who have kept showing patience on days like this.

Days like this. When the baby has just woken again...

God give me more of what only you can give.

End of a year

It's New Year's Eve.

Much of the city is out partying (I suspect). At least much of our apartment block. But with 2 under 2 we are home, and L has gone to bed. I don't think my babies understand that tomorrow is a good day to sleep in.

So I'm having a rare moment of peace to reflect, and am reflecting on the year past.

Wrote some questions...

- What have been the highlights from 2011?

giving birth to LL is definitely one of the biggest highlights. It is with great delight that I think about the whole event: labour, birth, the early days with a new external member of our family. What a privilege.

- What have been some significant relationships in 2011?

my wonderful mum's group has been one source of great conversation and journeying. It's been very special to share in the lives of these women as their babies grow into toddlers.

- What challenges have been part of 2011?

It's been a year of constant effort. One child goes to sleep, the other needs attention. Sometimes (often) both need me at once. It's felt hard to have much time for much else, unless it's mixed into a multi-tasking effort. L and I are weary, and have had great patches of connecting, but also many times where it's harder to say much beyond the business transactions of who's cooking dinner and which child needs a new nappy.

Living as 4 in a unit is also a challenge, with it's good points (learning the discipline of culling our stuff, for example!). But it's been hard fitting in an ever increasingly active toddler, a baby with all the add ons, and then having a spare surface to do something I find relaxing like sewing (oh and the overhead of getting out the machine knowing it needs to go back before the toddler wakes!). It's been a joy to host people even when we feel pressed for space though.

- What am I thankful for from 2011?

My husband who listens very well and patiently (when we catch pockets of time!)
E, who is growing and developing at a remarkable rate. He's learning so much so fast and makes me laugh often.
Meeting LL and watching E and LL enjoy each other
The people who have asked me tough questions.
The people who gave us meals, gifts, cards and various other sorts of love before and after LL was born.
God's faithfulness and sovereignty through some personal and wider challenges.
The privilege of good health.
C.S. Lewis and his book 'Screwtape Letters'.
People who have thought hard about babies and sleeping and written books about how to help it happen.
The people who have asked me spontaneously how I'm going and have meant it.
Models of perseverence and grace.
The simple delight of sitting down to think.
Slings and wraps for carrying babies that have revolutionised my capacity to care for 2 little ones especially in the newborn days.
The people who L works with.
Sara Groves and Colin Buchanan.
Visits with my great grandfather, including singing songs with him that he sang as a young adult.
Friends are still alive.
Marriages are still intact.


There's a few thoughts.

Anyone else doing any reflecting at the end of this year?

Thinking about advent and Christmas and children

Stumbled across this site... interesting...

http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/home/

Why meals are such great gifts for families with new babies

We've been given a lovely supply of meals since Lily's arrival, and it's been such a wonderful blessing. It's such a great gift that I thought I'd blog about it.

It's a gift of food.

• to state the obvious. It sustains us literally.

It's a gift of time.

• It means we don't need to choose a dish, write a list of ingredients, go shopping, decide on brands, unpack shopping, prepare ingredients, cook the meal, clean the pots and put everything away. Instead we can heat something up between a feed and nappy change, eat it at a reasonable hour, and spend energy on toddler & bub (=less crying and more loving feelings all round!). In the first weeks of a new bub the tasks listed above can be rather overwhelming, and it's so so wonderful to not even think about cooking and be able to focus.

It's a gift of an idea.

• Many meals we received are things we've never cooked, but gee it'd be good to repeat some of the dishes when we have more time for creative cooking!

It's a gift of hands.

• Especially with 2 kids, even when one is happy to be worn, 2 hands are not quite enough to go around at dinner time (and particularly just before dinner time!). But heating up a meal and dishing it out can be done almost one handed, or with minimal meltdown times because hands are available for cuddles and pats so much more than if they were cooking.

So thank-you, if you have cooked for us. It's made a great deal of difference to getting used to being 4 in our family.

And if you know someone having a baby soon and you want to support them, consider a culinary gift...